I get a lot of questions from friends, family members, and total strangers about what to do with their child. Sometimes it catches me off guard, but they usually want to know things after they know that I am a certified encyclopedia on children that are typical and special needs from birth-8 years old. (No really, I have a degree in it.)
I have had every question from, "How do I get him to stop cussing in church?" to "I can't make her use the toilet, what do I do?" to "I think he can do better at ____." Sometimes the questions are reasonable, but sometimes I want to shake my head. I do not have children of my own yet, but my education and experience has given me a lot of insight into things that are important for people to understand about their school age children and toddlers. This is a super random list that I've put together out of my jumbled thoughts and it doesn't mean children are all the same, but in MOST instances these rules and ideas apply.
1. Avoid "don't" and "no" statements: This is a big one. There is a huge difference between, "Don't tip in your chair!" and "We need to keep the chair legs touching the floor. " One has a negative impact, and one gets the point across. Children are not always able to process "don't" statements. You don't need to go into a huge list, but you can put things positively. In your head, try to restate your statement or request without the word "no" or "don't". This is a lot of the reason why a lot of the time a toddler's favorite word is, "No!"
2. Empathize Instead of Interrogate. Sometimes when a child does something wrong, we jump to the "Why did you do that?!" statement or "What were you thinking?!" Sometimes there isn't a reason as to why a child has a certain reaction to a stimulus. A reaction to stimulus is a BEHAVIOR. Can you explain all of your impulsive reactions and decisions? It's hard to analyze or reason out even as an adult. Try to be more empathetic with your child. Instead of, "Why did you hit your sister?" try "What did Sally do to get you so upset?" or "I know it makes you really mad when Sally takes your toys, but we need to keep our hands to ourselves. What do you think you can do if it happens again?" This way you're talking through your child's feelings and letting them know that you care, without losing your temper.
3. Keep Instructions Simple. There is a basic chain of command when it comes to giving directions. The older the child, the more complex and elaborate instructions you can give at once. A mistake A LOT of parents make is giving their toddlers and small children 3 or more step directions. You can't expect a 3 year old to process, "You need to wash your hands, go put your toys away, and then come throw away your paper cup." Keep it simple. 1 or 2 step directions are appropriate for toddlers up to about 6 years old. Even then, depending on the child, 3 step may be far too complicated. Toddlers are not little adults, and they surely can't process as quickly as you do.
4. Keep Learning and Activities Appropriate. One of my favorite theorists on development is Lev Vygotsky. He developed the theory of the Zone of Proximal Development. (If you haven't read the theories of Vygotsky, Eric Erikson, and Jean Piaget, I encourage you to do so.) Anyways, a part of ZPD is called "scaffolding". If you think of the scaffolding used to work on houses, it is in levels. Scaffolding in learning is building off pre-existing knowledge to make connections to other things, then continuing to build and stem off those ideas. Scholars explain it like this, "Those elements of the task that are initially beyond the learner's capacity, thus permitting him to concentrate upon and complete only those elements that are within his range of competence." Thus, you shouldn't expect your child to know something or complete a task when they have no prior knowledge. We all gain knowledge off what we already know. Activities and assignments given to children and toddlers needs to be: developmentally appropriate, age appropriate, and individually appropriate. Every child learns differently, but children need to feel successful before they are challenged.
5. Keep It Old School. We live in a technological age. I see little kids on their parents cell phones in public and I CRINGE. Why do American children have a short attention span? They're getting obsessed with quick stimulus. Our children are too absorbed in television and computer screens, cell phones, video games, leap pads, iPads, Kindles, and all other sorts of stuff that keep them 100% captivated 100% of the time. I'm not saying it's not okay in limited doses, but our children need to PLAY, and I don't mean on an XBOX. The less high tech a toy or activity is, the more the child has to use their imagination and surroundings to stimulate themselves. Engaging your child in simple, creative, fun, activities WITHOUT using a lot of technology, can make a world of difference. These activities allow kids to make connections, experiment, and problem solve. Have you ever put your toddler in a big, empty, cardboard box with a bunch of crayons? It's amazing what children can do with simple things. Empty spools, a bowl full of water and dish soap= bubble fun on the counter.Your kids can be entertained and out of your hair, no batteries required.
6. Immediate Consequences. To adjust behaviors to get responses that you want as a parent, you have to adjust your system. For example, when I hand out an assessment to my students, I accompany it with a small snack so that they see it as a positive thing. In their heads it goes from, "Oh no! A test?!" to "Oh cool, I get a snack when I get a test." Which makes it less bad to them. If you give immediate rewards and immediately implement consequences for negative actions, behavior responses can be made or broken. Say for example your child throws a tantrum about having to do their homework. Give them one warning, and state the consequence if they continue to tantrum. Then implement the consequence IMMEDIATELY if they continue. Don't hesitate or wait until after you've both started into a battle of wills. If your child gets up, and does their homework, give them a reward (a couple gold fish crackers or fruit snacks does the trick in my classroom) so that they start seeing that positive behavior gets positive outcomes.
7. Give Choices. I've found that most children will run the show if you let them. If you tell them directly what to do, there can sometimes be a great and terrible struggle. Giving choices is the BEST way to get what YOU want. The trick is to make both options, something you want from the child. By giving the choice, the child feels like they are still making the final decision and feel in control. For example, "Do you want to use the green crayon or the yellow crayon?" or "Do you want to feed the dog or do you want to help me do dishes?" The child gets to feel a sense of independence and empowerment, without you giving up power.
8. Avoid the "Little Adult" View. Children are children. The do not think the same way you and I do after years of life and learning. The children do not react, understand, or process the same way we do. Kids don't need to get their hair colored, their nails done, and they shouldn't be left to make big decisions by themselves. Their brains are still developing in many ways until they are 21 years old! You also do not have to explain to them the things you would when conversing with an adult. If I child asks, "Can I have some juice?" You could say, "You can have water or milk." BUT, in the "little adult" context, you would explain, "You've had enough sugar for today, so you don't need any more juice until tomorrow." Your child doesn't understand that juice is sugar, so why elaborate on it and leave them confused? For goodness sakes, let them be little! I blame a lot of this little adult view on the media and Disney channel and Nickelodean shows. Elementary aged students shouldn't be worrying about what color their hair is, how much they weigh, or if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend... they should be playing! So PLEASE, don't view your school aged child as a tiny adult or tiny teenager, because they are NOT.
9. Time Out is GOOD. As toddlers grow, they begin learning how to "self-regulate". What is self-regulation? It has to do with our emotions. It is the extrinsic and intrinsic (outside and inside) processes responsible for monitoring, evaluating, and modifying how they react emotionally. By giving a child a SHORT (4-10 minute) "time out" they have time to cool down, think through their feelings, and modify how they are reacting. Time out doesn't need to be viewed as negative (in fact they may battle you if you yell at them that they need to have a time out.) I suggest having a visual timer in a quiet area, so your child knows just how much time they need to be there. My favorite is a time-out bottle I used with my 2nd graders. I filled an empty Smart Water bottle with tons of glitter, a touch of food coloring, clear tacky glue, and water, and when a student went to the "time out" desk they shook it as hard as they could (getting the aggression out) and then watched it until everything had settled. When the glitter settled they could rejoin the class or activity. If your child is tantruming, and in no danger, feel free to let them cry/scream it out. It all builds up their ability to self regulate, recognize their emotions, and figure out how to deal with them. Time out doesn't need to be a negative consequence for a negative behavior or action, it can be a valuable tool to help your child develop important coping skills.
10. Keep it REAL WORLD and APPLICABLE. My wise preschool mentor teacher once said, "If you can't bring it to the student, or take the student to it, it shouldn't be taught in preschool." Basically, she's trying to say concepts that a child can't experience or touch with their hands are too abstract for typical 2-5 year olds to understand and grasp. For example, you wouldn't need to teach preschool children about Antartica, because you can't bring it to them, and you can't take them there to experience it. I'm going to modify this and say for older kids, "Show how everything you do can be applied to the real world." Everything we do in school should be training kids for the real world, relating things to the real world can help them develop meaningful connections. For example, instead of just learning to count money with your child, take them to the store and have them count out their money to buy something.
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