Confessions of a Body Hater

I am a body-hater. I've always known I was a body hater! I have hated my body for as long as I can remember. It all began in 2nd grade. I was BULLIED beyond all belief in elementary school, to the point that I would beg my mom to be homeschooled, and I would act out in class just so I'd be kept in from recess, so I wouldn't have to play alone. In fact, a very nasty girl (who was bigger than me, mind you) told everyone that I had a mini fridge in my room so that I could eat all night. (Untrue, but alas, I still get asked to this day if it was true.)

I've never been a skinny girl, and I felt like I was second class citizen because of it. Honestly, I think that's the final frontier when it comes to cynicism in the public eye... weight judgement. If everyone is made equal, why are we still criticizing other's religions, race, and WEIGHT?  My dear friend put it this way, "Those who judge and criticize are tearing down other's houses, while they remain homeless." Why does (most of) the media feel it's so important to make us feel "ugly" compared to the airbrushed, photoshopped, women in magazines?  It's unrealistic. If Heavenly Father wanted us to all look alike, sound alike, and be a certain size... we would be that way already.

For me, it has always been my weight, but I know for others it may be that they hate their nose, or their skin color, or their belly, or whatever else you can think of. But, I think this generally applies to everyone with body related insecurities.

I've always gotten, "Oh, you have such a pretty face!" or "You really are gorgeous...!!!" (with the silent, unfinished, for a big girl, at the end.) I always resented that. As I got older, I started taking it to heart. I shied away from boys, school dances, and flattering clothes because I wanted to be "normal", and "normal" to me meant thin.

I started digging into why I placed so much importance on the size of my clothes, or the number on a scale. The value of a person is infinite, and I was valuing the number on a scale, more than the value of my own, true, self-worth. I concluded a few things:

1. Boys are mean. I've heard the saying, "Tell a woman she's beautiful and she'll forget, tell her she's ugly and she'll remember it forever." My confidence always took a nose dive whenever someone I dated treated me badly. When my ex-fiancee cheated, I went into full blown, no-eating, gym-aholic mode. I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks. As unreasonable as it seems, I felt like no one would want me, and that I wasn't pretty enough to keep someone happy. I don't think the male species understands the power they have over our psyche and self-image.

2. Girls are meaner. We all know this. The suicide rate is up due to bullying not only being in person anymore, but online too. We need to fix this. All women are beautiful. Thin girls, chubby girls, big girls, curvy girls, flat girls, ALL GIRLS, are beautiful. Why tear each other down, when it would be so easy to build each other up? I challenge you, yes you, reading this, to say something kind and compliment a total stranger. One of our fellow women. I told a lady in Wal-Mart (she is plus sized, like myself) that she looked like a ginger Rapunzel, the other day, and her face LIT UP. I had given her a heart felt compliment to boost her self esteem, and it didn't hurt me at all.

3. The example set for us. The media and the generation before ours value thinness. My own mother is absolutely beautiful, but she will never be satisfied with her body. (Even though she has lost a TON of weight in the last few years.) My mom has always told me I'm beautiful, but I also wish she thought that she's beautiful too. Models are models because they're considered "flawless" or "interesting", but I can guarantee you that not all are very confident either. Depending on where you live, cosmetic surgery is abundant. Ask yourself, what is it that makes you hate that part of you? Why are you willing to do to get rid of it? WHY?

4. How are you going to fix your view of yourself? It's a continual process. Some days I feel like a hot, blonde, wife, and sometimes I feel like a homeless sumo wrestler. I help myself by reading body positive blogs, plus size fashion blogs, talk to my friends (who are always more than willing to tell me the good things about myself), or I work out. I work out and eat pretty healthy, but I'm not obsessing over it because then I end up weighing myself 3 times a day and depriving myself of being HAPPY. If I want a cup of ice cream, I'll eat it and try not to feel guilty. It's all about finding a good balance, and picking yourself up when you're down.

I don't hate my body right now, even though it creeps up on me sometimes. I'm still chubby, and I realize it. I even have a sense of humor about it instead of being hyper sensitive about it. I recognize that I need to work out and eat right to be HEALTHY for my future babies, not to be thin and "hot". My husband thinks I'm way hot anyways. All of the misconceptions I've had about worldy "beauty" are gone. Some days my body confidence and body positivity wavers, and my insecurities haunt me. These are the days where I fix myself up, put on a smile, and fake it until I believe it again.

Beauty is found in every person. I'm a photographer, and I've done boudoir shoots (You know, the kind of shoots where you're mostly naked) and every woman I have taken pictures of has complained about "her mom belly" or "her cellulite" or "her freckles" or "her weird butt cheek" (yes, I really have heard that one). I've had them ask to be photoshopped. It really does hit me with a pang of sadness for them. As a photographer, you go over every body part in processing, and I never see what they were talking about. It's also made me realize that even the THINNEST of SKINNY girls has fat rolls when they lean forward. Why? Because fat can be healthy! Belly rolls are normal. Everyone has them. Even Heidi Klum. There is NOTHING shameful about cellulite, having a post-pregnancy belly, stretch marks... and the list goes on.

If you really take the time to look at the women around you (without comparing yourself), you'll see all the quirky, wonderful, unique, things that make every woman special and lovely. Love yourself. Don't be so critical. Focus on the things you think are awesome, and ignore the things that you wish you could change about yourself. APPRECIATE your body for what it is, and stop wishing and hoping for something different. If you want to change it, that's great, go ahead, but regardless of your wishes, make sure to find time to appreciate the body and life you have. Only loving your body when it's "in shape" is like only loving your children when they're being well behaved.

I have an "imperfect" body to some people who look at me, but what I think of myself is what matters. I'm diligently working on being a body-lover. :)

So, if you are a body hater, and you're reading this... this is ME telling YOU that you're perfect. This is me telling you that you are worth feeling good about yourself. This is me telling you to love yourself, because YOU are beautiful!